Written by Lisette Lahana, MSW, LCSW — clinical director of Authentic Alliance and bilingual therapist with 25+ years of experience in trauma, anxiety, depression, and LGBTQIA+ care.
Saren became more and more angry with Minerva as they talked about their shared expenses. They’d been at it for hours until finally Minerva started to walk out of the room. It seemed like they got into the same fight over and over again, ending with Saren following her and “I don’t want to stay together unless we start couples therapy!” Minerva followed with “I need space, let me think about it,” but never committed. Saren was desperate to change the dynamic and felt convinced relationship therapy could help.
Bringing up relationship therapy can sometimes feel almost as vulnerable as talking about the issues that led you to consider it.
You might notice that, like the couple we started out with, the same conflict keeps returning, or you have begun to feel less connected. When multiple partners are involved, one relationship may be struggling while others experience the situation differently. You want to care for the relationships that matter to you, yet you worry that your partner or partners will hear the suggestion as criticism.
Even when your intention is repair, someone can hear the suggestion as evidence that they have failed or that you have already decided they are the problem.
A hesitant response, like in our example, can come from fear rather than a lack of commitment. A partner may worry that in therapy they’ll be blamed, misunderstood, or pressured to make changes they don’t want. Some people also wonder whether a therapist will respect their identity or relationship structure.
A thoughtful conversation can help therapy feel like an opportunity to understand one another more fully, communicate with greater care, and strengthen connection.
In this article...
Understand what is behind the hesitation
Before trying to persuade your partner, become curious about what makes therapy feel uncomfortable.
You could ask, “What worries you most about going to therapy?” or “What do you imagine would happen in a session?” When several partners are involved, it can also help to ask whether anyone has concerns about who would attend or how the therapist would understand the relationships.
Their answer may surprise you. Someone who appears uninterested may be afraid of being blamed. Another partner may have had a previous experience in therapy where they felt dismissed. Other concerns about cost, scheduling, privacy, or time can also be at play.
Listen before offering reassurance. When every concern is immediately corrected, the conversation can begin to feel like another argument you are trying to win. Acknowledging your partner’s discomfort helps them feel heard and gives you a clearer understanding of what they need.
You could say, “I understand why that would make you cautious,” before explaining what you hope therapy could offer.
Talk about what you want to create together
Beginning with everything that is wrong can make your partner feel cornered. Instead, talk about what you value and what you hope to strengthen in therapy.
You could say:
“Our relationship matters to me, and I want to take care of it.”
“I think support could help us understand each other better”
“I would like us to have a place where we can talk openly and feel heard.”
These statements present therapy as something you are inviting your partner to do with you. They also communicate that you are willing to participate in the work rather than asking a therapist to change a partner.
When the concern affects more than one relationship, be clear about what you hope therapy will support. Two partners may be struggling with communication, or a broader dynamic may be affecting several people.
Avoid creating a situation in which several partners appear united against one person. Each partner should have room to describe what they hope will improve and what feelings they have about therapy.
Choose a calm time to bring it up
Conversations about therapy tend to go better when everyone has enough emotional space to listen.
Raise the subject during a relatively calm moment. A gentle check-in such as, “Is this a good time to talk about something important to me?” can help your partner prepare for a vulnerable conversation.
Like Saren and Minerva, bringing therapy up during an argument can make it sound like a consequence or threat. Your partner may then associate therapy with being criticized, even when your deeper intention is to repair the relationship.
Speak from your own experience. Explain what you have noticed and how the current dynamic has been affecting you. You can be honest about the seriousness of your concerns without building a case against your partner.
For example, you could say, “I have noticed that we keep leaving conversations feeling hurt and disconnected. I care about us, and I want to find a different way through this.”
Make room for different levels of readiness
Your partner does not have to feel enthusiastic immediately.
They may need time to think about the idea or learn more about how relationship therapy works. When several partners are involved, each person can enter the conversation with a different level of readiness. One partner may feel eager to begin, while another needs more information before agreeing.
The conversation can unfold over time. You could suggest looking at therapist profiles together or beginning with one consultation. A first meeting gives everyone an opportunity to ask questions and see whether the therapist feels respectful and affirming.
Inviting your partner to participate in choosing the therapist can also help. They may feel more comfortable when they have a voice in the decision, rather than hearing that an appointment was already made after the fact.
Try to avoid returning to the subject during every conflict. Frequent reminders can make therapy another source of pressure. Share why it matters to you, listen to your partner’s perspective, and agree on a time to revisit the conversation.
Explain what relationship therapy can offer
Some hesitation comes from uncertainty about what happens in relationship therapy.
A skilled relationship therapist pays attention to the patterns that develop between people. The therapist helps each person express what is happening beneath their reactions and to listen carefully. Good relationship therapy creates more room for emotional safety, repair, and connection.
Therapy can help you recognize the cycle that keeps pulling you into the same conflict. One partner may push for an immediate conversation while another withdraws because they feel overwhelmed. Over time, both people can feel unheard, even though each is trying to protect the relationship in their own way.
These patterns can become more layered when a decision, conflict, or change affects several relationships. One partner may need reassurance while another needs more space. Therapy creates room to understand these differences without assuming that everyone has the same needs.
You can also reassure your partner that attending an initial consultation does not require a long-term commitment. The first conversation can simply help you understand the therapist’s approach and decide whether continuing feels right.
Encouraging therapy when multiple partners are involved
Every partner does not automatically need to attend every session.
Who participates depends on the concern, the relationships involved, and the goals of therapy. Two partners may attend because the difficulty primarily exists between them. At other times, including additional partners can help everyone understand an agreement or dynamic that affects the broader relationship system.
A therapist experienced in polyamory and consensual non-monogamy can help determine a structure that respects each person’s needs. They should also explain how confidentiality works if they meet with partners separately or in different combinations.
Talk openly about who wants to participate and why. No one should be recruited to pressure another partner into attending. Each person deserves room to make an informed decision and describe what would help them feel comfortable.
Therapy should also respect the relationship structure as it exists. The goal is to understand the people and dynamics involved. A CNM-affirming therapist does not assert that non-monogamy is the source of every concern.
What to do when a partner keeps saying no
Individual therapy is an option when a partner does not want to attend. It can give you space to understand your responses and communicate more intentionally. You can also explore what you need from the relationship and what boundaries you need in place.
One relationship can seek support without requiring every partner in the relationship system to participate. Clear goals and thoughtful boundaries can help therapy remain focused on the people and concerns involved.
Sometimes a partner becomes more open after seeing that therapy has helped you approach conflicts differently.
When fear, coercion, threats, or violence are present, relationship therapy may not be the safest place to begin. Individual support from a therapist or advocate who understands relationship abuse can help you consider your options.
How to choose a relationship therapist
Look for a therapist with specific training and experience in relationship therapy. Ask how they work with conflict and how they handle partners who enter therapy with different concerns.
The therapist should also understand the identities and relationship structures that are important to you. LGBTQIA+ partners and people in poly and/or consensually non-monogamous relationships deserve care that is genuinely affirming. You should not have to educate your therapist about the validity of your identity or relationships.
During a consultation, ask about the therapist’s experience with relationships like yours. When several partners are involved, discuss how they decide who attends and how they handle confidentiality across sessions. Pay attention to how the therapist responds. A good fit should feel respectful and collaborative.
Begin the conversation with care
Suggesting relationship therapy can feel vulnerable because it reveals how much the relationship matters to you. You are expressing a desire to understand each other more fully and to find a healthy way to move forward.
Your partner or partners may need time before they feel comfortable taking that step. A calm and respectful invitation gives each person room to be a part of the decision.
At Authentic Alliance, we offer client-centered, trauma-informed relationship therapy for people across diverse identities and relationship structures. We work with LGBTQIA+ clients, couples, kinky and polyamorous partners who want to communicate more clearly, understand recurring patterns, and build stronger connections.
A complimentary consultation gives you and your partner or partners an opportunity to ask questions and learn more about our approach. You can begin the conversation with us even when everyone is entering therapy with a different level of readiness.
Frequently asked questions about encouraging relationship therapy
How do I suggest relationship therapy without blaming my partner?
Begin with what you value about the relationship and what you hope to strengthen. Speak from your own experience instead of listing what your partner is doing wrong. Explain that you see therapy as a shared opportunity to understand each other and create change together.
What if my partner thinks the therapist will take my side?
Let your partner know that a relationship therapist should make room for each person’s perspective. During a consultation, ask the therapist how they work when partners disagree or enter therapy with different goals.
Should I give my partner time to think about therapy?
Yes. Your partner may need time to process the suggestion and learn more about the process. Agree on a time to revisit the conversation so the subject does not disappear or become a repeated source of pressure.
What if different partners have different levels of readiness?
Different levels of readiness are common. Give each person space to ask questions and express their concerns. A consultation with a polyamory-affirming therapist can help you discuss who should participate and what structure would best support the relationships involved.
Does everyone in a polyamorous relationship need to attend?
No. The people who attend depend on the concern and the goals of therapy. Some sessions involve two partners, while others include more of the relationship system. Participation should be thoughtful and consensual.
Can I begin therapy alone if my partner refuses?
Yes. Individual therapy can help you clarify your needs, understand your communication patterns, and decide how you want to approach the relationship. Your partner can choose later whether they would like to participate.
By Lisette Lahana, MSW, LCSW.
Her work includes anxiety, depression, work-life balance, and gender-affirming care for LGBTQIA+ individuals, families, and loved ones. She is also a certified member of WPATH and bilingual in Spanish
References
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (n.d.). About marriage and family therapists. https://www.aamft.org
American Psychological Association. (2019). How to choose a psychologist. https://www.apa.org/topics/psychotherapy/choose-therapist
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Lebow, J. L. (2014). Couple and family therapy: An integrative map of the territory. American Psychological Association.
